The Hero Emerges
Translated By Philip Metres
1
Well, what on earth is there to say?
2
He knows something, but won’t tell.
3
Who knows, maybe you’re right.
4
It’s good for you, and tasty too.
5
At seven, by the first train car.
6
It goes on about the student.
7
Let’s go. I’m also heading there.
8
Have you decided something now?
9
I rode the bus to the last stop.
10
Hey, listen to what I just wrote.
11
You go this way, straight through the yard.
12
Aren’t you fed up with him by now?
13
Tomorrow, then. No need to rush.
14
Three times a day, before your meals.
15
Stop it! Quit your fooling around!
16
I’ll meet you at the corner store.
17
Between a hundred and one ten.
18
So here’s what I would say to that.
19
Go on ahead, I’ll be right there.
20
Enough already with your nonsense.
21
Come on now, just show us your tongue.
22
So are we going after all?
23
No thanks, I’m fine. Don’t need a thing.
24
You’re serious about it, right?
25
You know, that’s not how you do it.
26
Have you gone totally insane?
27
Okay, let’s give it one more try.
28
Thanks, I’d rather do it myself.
29
I’m kind of used to it by now.
30
Now do I need this or do you?
31
You’re not exactly right yourself.
32
What’s it say about the student?
33
I’ve told you once: stay out of this!
34
Leave me alone. I feel awful.
35
Why don’t you call there and find out?
36
He always looks so glum, so bleak.
37
You could at least let in some air.
38
Another round and we’ll go home.
39
Despite it all, the food was great.
40
I just can’t take it anymore!
41
What in the world would rhyme with “five”?
42
I can’t believe your stubbornness.
43
Six letters and it ends in “P.”
44
I gotta go. I’ll call you soon.
45
How old? About fifty-five. Why?
46
You did turn off the iron, right?
47
He comes in just like this, and sits.
48
Looked in the mirror lately, friend?
49
Forget about it. Good riddance.
50
I’d really rather stay at home.
61
I can’t believe a year has passed.
62
Oh, really? I had no idea.
63
Are you done talking? Now listen.
64
I couldn’t care less about it.
65
Let’s take a walk to the metro.
66
He can’t even keep the meter.
67
And he can’t even keep the meter.
68
The soul won’t die, it’s immortal!
69
They let you go so soon these days.
70
So thirsty—I just drink and drink.
71
He’s got a stomach ache again.
72
No way, you snore like a bear.
73
Confucius—fifth century?
74
Tell them to grease the bedsprings!
75
What are you up to, may I ask?
76
Do what you want, I’ll play along.
77
Now comrades, please get to the point.
78
Or do I have to call the cops?
79
How can a person live like this?
80
Did he at least thank you for this?
71
He’s got a stomach ache again.
72
No way, you snore like a bear.
73
Confucius—fifth century?
74
Tell them to grease the bedsprings!
75
What are you up to, may I ask?
76
Do what you want, I’ll play along.
77
Now comrades, please get to the point.
78
Or do I have to call the cops?
79
How can a person live like this?
80
Did he at least thank you for this?
81
Her place is such a mess, a pigsty!
82
Hang up. I’m waiting for a call.
83
I shouldn’t. Better if you asked.
84
What’re you waiting for, just fix it!
85
Hold on, my darling, just a second!
86
You’re just an idiot, that’s all.
87
Twelve in one night? I don’t believe it.
88
Spit that out of your mouth, right now!
89
Someone has brought it from abroad.
90
It’s closed for routine inspection.
91
The office hours are twelve till three.
92
Can you hear me? I’ll call right back.
93
What’s it tell about the student?
94
I didn’t say any such thing.
95
The student went to school. After he arrived at school, he went
into the classroom and sat at his desk. It was a drawing lesson. The
student began to draw a cup in his album. The teacher said that it was
pretty good, and he praised the student for his drawing. Then the bell
rang, and the students went out for recess. The student remained in
the classroom alone and began to think.
96
On his birthday, the student’s classmates came over to his house: two
girls and three boys. The food consisted of seven pieces of sponge
cake and five bottles of Baikal soda. One of the girls ate two pieces of
cake and drank one and a half bottles of Baikal soda. And one of the
boys drank the rest of the soda on a dare and said he could still drink
more. The kids didn’t finish the cake: one whole piece and one partly
eaten piece remained. After they ate, the kids played “opinions” and
“fool.” The birthday party was a lot of fun.
When the guests left, the student remained alone and began to think.
97
The student bought a certain number of notebooks in the store. Two
were lined, two had slanted lines, and the rest were graph paper. At
home, the student carefully placed the notebooks he had purchased
on the table.
Then he sat down at the table and began to think.
98
The student’s mother gave him one ruble and told him to buy two
packets of milk at 16 kopecks apiece and a loaf of sour rye bread at
the store. (If there was any. If not, then a half-loaf of any kind of brown
bread, as long as it’s fresh.) The student did exactly as his mother
had told him. He bought two packets of milk and a half-loaf of brown
bread (there was, indeed, no sour rye.) At home, the student gave his
mother the purchases and the change from the ruble, although not all
of it: the mother decided to let him keep the coppers. Then he sat at
the window and began to think.
99
The student asked the teacher: “May I leave? I have a bad headache.”
The teacher said: “Go ahead. Aren’t you getting headaches a lot?”
The student left and began to think.
100
The student asked: “To dissolve in being or non-being—isn’t it all the
same?” The teacher said: “I don’t know.” So the student left and began
to think.
101
The teacher asked: “Did you read Songs from the Cho Dynasty and
Songs from the Sha Dynasty?” The student replied: “No.” The teacher
said: “Whoever didn’t read them can be compared to someone
standing silently, facing the wall.” The student didn’t say anything. He
went on his way and began to think.
102
The teacher said: “I don’t want to speak any more.” The student said:
“If the teacher will not speak anymore, then what will we pass on?”
The teacher said: “Is the sky speaking? Still, the four seasons of the
year come and go, and things are being born.”
The student left and began to think.
103
At first he thought: “Where should I look? Every direction—forward
and backward, right and left, above and below, wide and deep—is
taken by the senseless expanse of our arrhythmic efforts and
pretensions. So where should I look?”
104
Then he thought: “The circle is drawn, and there is no escape. …But if
you think hard, you will find the single possible solution, while other
voices persistently remind you that you are not alone here…”
105
Then he thought: “Happiness, not recognizing us, goes back to where
it came from, while something stirs within us again and again…”
106
Then he thought: “Hark! The wind is playing with the peaks of trees,
a kind of game after which they won’t soon recover, while it becomes
more and more clear: once you stop, you’ll never be yourself again…”
107
Then he thought: “Coming closer and closer to the sacred line, will we
find something in each other, while time now expands, now contracts,
and you can’t tell anymore what or when…”
108
Then he thought: “Coming still closer to the undeniable boundary,
it seems to be time to start taking things seriously, while causes
and effects are changing places, and you can’t tell anymore when or
what…”
109
Then he thought: “Coming ever closer to the aforementioned border,
what if I won’t have enough strength for the final effort, while
I’m trying to cling to the slippery thread of thoughts (or are they
recollections?) and I cannot, I cannot, I cannot…”
110
Then he sat deep in thought for a long time.
Copyright Credit: Lev Rubinstein, "The Hero Emerges" from Compleat Catalogue of Comedic Novelties translated by Philip Metres & Tatiana Tulchinsky. Copyright © 2014 by Lev Rubinstein. Reprinted by permission of Philip Metres & Tatiana Tulchinsky
Source: Compleat Catalogue of Comedic Novelties (Ugly Duckling Presse, 2014)