The Pope Replies to the Ayatollah Khomeini

By Ishmael Reed

My Dear Khomeini:

I read your fourteen thousand dollar

ad asking me why the Vatican waited

all of these years to send an envoy

to complain about conditions in Iran

You’re right, we should have sent one

when the Shah was in power, look,

I’m in total agreement with you

Khomeini, that Christ, had he lived in

Iran under the Shah, would have led the

biggest damned revolt you ever saw

Believe me, Khomeini, I knew about

the Shah’s decadence, his extravagance

his misdeeds, and how he lolled about

in luxury with Iran’s loot

I knew about the trail of jewels which

led to his Dad’s capture

but a fella has to eat and so when

David Rockefeller asked me to do something

how could I refuse?

You can afford to be holier than thou

What is it, 30 dollars per barrel these days?

You must be bathing in oil

While each day I suffer a new indignity

You know that rock record they made me

do? It’s 300 on the Charts which is about

as low as you can get.

And I guess you read where I

had to call in all those Cardinals and

for the first time reveal the Vatican

budget?

I had to just about get down on my hands

and knees to get them to co-sign for a

loan

The Vatican jet has a mechanical problem

and the Rolls-Royce needs a new engine

The staff hasn’t been paid in months

and the power company is threatening to

turn off the candles

To add to that, the building inspector

has listed us as having 30,000 code

violations

I’m telling you, Khomeini, that

so many people are leaving the church

I have this nightmare where I

wake up one day in Los Angeles and

I’m the only one left

Pretty soon we’ll be one of those

cults you read about in the San

Francisco Chronicle

And so, Khomeini, I promise

you that when we pay off the

deficit, I won’t send an envoy

I’ll come visit you myself

I’d like to discuss this plan

that Patriarch Dimitrios, of

the Greek Orthodox Church, and I

just came up with

You know, we haven’t spoken to

those fellows in 900 years but

when you are 20 million dollars

in the red

You’ll talk to anybody

Copyright Credit: Ishmael Reed, “The Pope Replies to the Ayatollah Khomeini” from New and Collected Poems. Copyright © 1980 by Ishmael Reed. Reprinted with the permission of the author.

Source: New and Collected Poems (Self-published, 1988)