The Fearful Child

As a child I parleyed with animals, stuffed and real.

Making my kitten pilot of a boot, I guided

from one end of a string the dizzy flight and collapse.

I was fearful of people as well as things,

and my faithful toy shepherd with his painted face

sat by me on the bed in the gloom.

I was disdainful of dolls as weak people.

In the favorite story I told myself my parents

were made over into fair-limbed, brave angels

who smiled into their god’s eyes when summoned.

I was benevolent, afraid to let go of this image

at night because I couldn’t hide deep enough

under the covers to be overlooked by death,

the angel bending over me who had been wronged.

I read histories of queens, regal and barbarian,

whose leopard’s eyes restrained man or wild beast.

I rambled along tidal rivers and in the marshes

where the green-golden grasses dazzled the sun,

and felt the ache of sea-air in my lungs.

I saw water spume near Atlantic cliffs.

I examined lichen. I saw great light drown darkness.

Then at thirteen I lay in the bleak bed before sleep

and heard the pleadings and the murderous kisses;

and burned, like a bear his fat, my soul.

I quaked at the sound of my voice whispering, No,

or turned my face to the wall

and wept salt onto my knuckles.

In the serene light of sun-up, before sparrows

tumbled up from the earth, whispering and singing,

and the exquisite sea and sky mobilized

their heavy, blue currents, I was consoled.

I walked through beauty without knowing why

and told no one, wanting nothing else to touch me

and never to move anyone in any way.

I hid away from the house and learned the dark

was not a dream but could show the pale gravel

of a real driveway. I saw for the first time

later the new moon and the full moon

in one piece. I no longer feared the night,

night like a bear at ease in his wide habitat.

In the greatness of such space I said, This is me.

Copyright Credit: “The Fearful Child” by Carol Frost from Love and Scorn: New and Collected Poems. © 2000 by Carol Frost. Published by TriQuarterly/Northwestern University Press. All rights reserved.

Source: love and scorn: New and Selected Poems (TriQuarterly Books, 2000)