The past sometimes appears conditional

He would get pulled over

whenever he tried to download Blonde. He would be

searched for f-bombs but not for h-e-

double-hockey sticks. He would get choke-held

for wearing a hat in the hallway. He would

be Tasered for balling his Whopper wrapper

and leaving it on the floor of the streetcar.

He would get shot in the back every time

he incorrectly used MLA format in the essay

on  A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

2

He would take

some E if he didn’t have to preach

austerity. He would hire a tennis coach

if the consultants he hired would actually

fire the people to be fired. He would upgrade

to the latest Galaxy if  millennials didn’t

default on their student loans when he raised

interest rates. He would get his shoes polished

at the airport if the kiosk weren’t so far

from the platinum members’ lounge. He would

be placed on paid leave if  he raped the trainee

from Dawson. Sexually assaulted. Allegedly.