Allegiance

I can hear our mother

through the plywood door

of my brother’s room

separating them

from the rest of the household

I am careful

to not creak the hinges

that guard their sacred space

he giggles jovially

and I imagine him

wrapped in the same

peach comforter

mother sleeps in

clapping his hands

and clasping his mouth

to catch sighs of wonder

and awe

mother retells him stories

of magical kingdoms

ruled by a Monkey King

my brother dreams

of pulling out tufts of his own hair

and blowing them into the wind

transforming each strand into a minion

he’ll huff orders

that command his might

and righteousness

and mother will be proud

daddy startles me

lifts me into the air

untangling my body

from the cold

crevice of the doorframe

and secures me with calloused

arthritic hands

into his heart

my ear

still firmly pressed against my scalp

is red and numb

and aches

to reattach to mother’s voice

she hasn’t gotten to the part

in the story

where there’s room for one more

daddy’s footsteps

bounce me on the round of his belly

where I’ve rubbed

and patted in jubilee

throughout my childhood

but tonight

there is no magic hidden

in there for me

no conquerable land or faithful servants

to prove my worth

only cabbage

steamed fish

rice

and chilled beer

his white tee now clings to him

in wet patches of gray

at the shoulder as he

cradles us

into his worn

leather La-Z-Boy

his inaudible words

attempt to instill meaning

and resilience in me

while I try desperately to find

the monkey in his story

past the hardship

and sorrow

and despair

Anything you want ...

you have to get it

through the blood of your own hands.

and with that

his story ends

my longing

his words

blown into the wind

beside one another

in allegiance

his steady breath

lulls me to sleep

on his chest

wrapped in his arms

where it’s warm