/ FOR / AFTER / JAN BEATTY /
After my third shot of tequila / chased by a lime
sour as my rant: fuck this-fuck that-fuck them-fuck
me-fuck it all / you slashed me / same as your poems’ slashes / slash
me / when you asked me: so, why the fuck don’t you
ever say it in your poems / I took another shot but couldn’t
shoot out a reason / until now, Jan / you’re right, so / fuck \
that my poems never shut out strangers’ glassy-eyed
guh’mornins / fuck their mumbles wishing me
a wonderful day / on not-so-wonder-filled days / fuck
my naïve belief that their mouths and mine
have a heart / fuck my similes that choose to bite
into pleasantries like / buttered bread
for me to taste all day / a lifetime, Jan / fuck \
that I can’t hate kids / that my poems love
the screeches of their awe-filled eyes / that I want
to see whatever it is they see / butterfly spots
as tigers’ eyes winking / moss-skinned stones
as emeralds / snowflakes falling as frozen
stars / palm trees as flagpoles fluttering peace, Jan / fuck \
that my lines don’t lose their patience with
old folks at check-out lines / double-checking the price
of every fucking item / that my poems don’t have eyes
to roll at their yesteryear chatter / Can you believe the cost
of living today? / fuck that I listen to them / see
their wrinkled eyes as maps / roads
I trace toward my own dead end, Jan / fuck \
my mother who’s eighty-six / fuck that I can’t curse
at her / for never reading the poems
I’ve written, aching / for her to sweep away
the ashes / of the Cuban homeland she chose
to lose / fuck that I can’t stop rendering her
as a martyr / who died so I could write
this fucking poem in this country, Jan / fuck \
my father too / who waited until the hour
of his deathbed to whisper: te amo / fuck my poems
that always forgive him / but never myself for
not / whispering back: te amo, papá / fuck that I will never
tire of gathering our silences / into rivers of words
that flow nowhere / spill into nothing, Jan / fuck \
the nightmare that was my grandfather’s dream
of me becoming some baseball superstar I was never
going to be / fuck that my poems only acknowledge
his love’s persistence / the popsicles he’d treat me to
after every game / no matter how many times
I struck-out at bat / at life, Jan / fuck \
the fuck’n faggot my grandmother slurred at me
every day fuck’n faggot / fuck that my poems erase her
words to write her into my best friend
for teaching me how to survive cruelty such as
hers, in such a brutal world, Jan / fuck \
sour as my rant: fuck this-fuck that-fuck them-fuck
me-fuck it all / you slashed me / same as your poems’ slashes / slash
me / when you asked me: so, why the fuck don’t you
ever say it in your poems / I took another shot but couldn’t
shoot out a reason / until now, Jan / you’re right, so / fuck \
that my poems never shut out strangers’ glassy-eyed
guh’mornins / fuck their mumbles wishing me
a wonderful day / on not-so-wonder-filled days / fuck
my naïve belief that their mouths and mine
have a heart / fuck my similes that choose to bite
into pleasantries like / buttered bread
for me to taste all day / a lifetime, Jan / fuck \
that I can’t hate kids / that my poems love
the screeches of their awe-filled eyes / that I want
to see whatever it is they see / butterfly spots
as tigers’ eyes winking / moss-skinned stones
as emeralds / snowflakes falling as frozen
stars / palm trees as flagpoles fluttering peace, Jan / fuck \
that my lines don’t lose their patience with
old folks at check-out lines / double-checking the price
of every fucking item / that my poems don’t have eyes
to roll at their yesteryear chatter / Can you believe the cost
of living today? / fuck that I listen to them / see
their wrinkled eyes as maps / roads
I trace toward my own dead end, Jan / fuck \
my mother who’s eighty-six / fuck that I can’t curse
at her / for never reading the poems
I’ve written, aching / for her to sweep away
the ashes / of the Cuban homeland she chose
to lose / fuck that I can’t stop rendering her
as a martyr / who died so I could write
this fucking poem in this country, Jan / fuck \
my father too / who waited until the hour
of his deathbed to whisper: te amo / fuck my poems
that always forgive him / but never myself for
not / whispering back: te amo, papá / fuck that I will never
tire of gathering our silences / into rivers of words
that flow nowhere / spill into nothing, Jan / fuck \
the nightmare that was my grandfather’s dream
of me becoming some baseball superstar I was never
going to be / fuck that my poems only acknowledge
his love’s persistence / the popsicles he’d treat me to
after every game / no matter how many times
I struck-out at bat / at life, Jan / fuck \
the fuck’n faggot my grandmother slurred at me
every day fuck’n faggot / fuck that my poems erase her
words to write her into my best friend
for teaching me how to survive cruelty such as
hers, in such a brutal world, Jan / fuck \
Notes:
This poem is part of the portfolio “The Chorus These Poets Create: Twenty Years of Letras Latinas.” You can read the rest of the portfolio in the December 2024 issue.
Source: Poetry (December 2024)