the idea of my current life began
one solar revolution ago
to think
I almost missed this
called the hotline numbers
dropped the mask
old friends who still pick up
on the first ring
it was hard to get up
mostly I crawled like a crushed bug
if I lived it was only partly will
and partly divine
that afternoon I walked out into the sun
one foot in front of the other
I wasn’t trying to step in front of the bus
but neither could I bring myself
to look both ways
it is a miracle
some people can’t
and other people also can’t
but their body stays intact
sinking through the floorboards
down through the basement
and the sub basement
and the sub sub basement
and the sub sub sub sub—
there is no more earth to dig up
the fire holds over the lake
and the air is still when rain ripples
through the cracked soil
sonia found your mom on the roof
what creature doesn’t want to be fed
what creature doesn’t care to be held
what callousness have we enacted
to make earthly creatures so fearful
when you were born I was so terribly alone
it crossed my mind nothing would ever change
I looked for the fates and the furies
the generational curses and inauspicious beginnings
where it was written in the stars
at the very least
I would have liked to blame god
I didn’t know what it was like
to feel another heartbeat
when you show me your belly
I remember all the times I tried and couldn’t
every single instance I chose the wrong time the wrong place
the wrong person to be soft with
we make shapes all through the night
I love it when you perch on me
we hold each other and it is not about being a container
for pain or healing the birth wound
it is really not about saving the world anymore
I feel humble because of you and I know gratitude too
we spoon through all the phases of the moon
and sunbathe in the mornings
I finally know what this feeling is like
I want to explain
but I honestly can’t
to make the words as much or more than the actual experience
would be impossible
maybe even wrong
your love is the sweetest love
it is a miracle
for I still feel sorrow
I still cry for days
the pain is still very much here
but now that this is more than an idea
I have begun to learn
to make myself happy
waiting for things to change
seems silly now
every day you know more of the world
I am your mom
You are my baby
and we have a beautiful life together

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