my sweet angel on earth thank you for this life

the idea of my current life began

one solar revolution ago

to think

I almost missed this

called the hotline numbers

dropped the mask

old friends who still pick up

on the first ring

it was hard to get up

mostly I crawled like a crushed bug

if I lived it was only partly will

and partly divine

that afternoon I walked out into the sun

one foot in front of the other

I wasn’t trying to step in front of the bus

but neither could I bring myself

to look both ways

it is a miracle

some people can’t

and other people also can’t

but their body stays intact

sinking through the floorboards

down through the basement

and the sub basement

and the sub sub basement

and the sub sub sub sub—

there is no more earth to dig up

the fire holds over the lake

and the air is still when rain ripples

through the cracked soil

sonia found your mom on the roof

what creature doesn’t want to be fed

what creature doesn’t care to be held

what callousness have we enacted

to make earthly creatures so fearful

when you were born I was so terribly alone

it crossed my mind nothing would ever change

I looked for the fates and the furies

the generational curses and inauspicious beginnings

where it was written in the stars

at the very least

I would have liked to blame god

I didn’t know what it was like

to feel another heartbeat

when you show me your belly

I remember all the times I tried and couldn’t

every single instance I chose the wrong time the wrong place

the wrong person to be soft with

we make shapes all through the night

I love it when you perch on me

we hold each other and it is not about being a container

for pain or healing the birth wound

it is really not about saving the world anymore

I feel humble because of you and I know gratitude too

we spoon through all the phases of the moon

and sunbathe in the mornings

I finally know what this feeling is like

I want to explain

but I honestly can’t

to make the words as much or more than the actual experience

would be impossible

maybe even wrong

your love is the sweetest love

it is a miracle

for I still feel sorrow

I still cry for days

the pain is still very much here

but now that this is more than an idea

I have begun to learn

to make myself happy

waiting for things to change

seems silly now

every day you know more of the world

I am your mom

You are my baby

and we have a beautiful life together