A True Account of Falling in Love With Brian Droitcour on Fire Island

In May, I went to Fire Island with Brian Droitcour, writer, translator, curator, associate editor & online editor at Art in America, and member of the Yelp Elite.

How could I not fall in love?

I spent much of the weekend trying to figure out precisely what vehicle killed Frank O’Hara in 1966. In between, I asked Droitcour the 36 questions that are supposed to make you fall in love, popularized by the New York Times article that drew on a much older study.

He didn’t ask me them back, so my feelings remain painfully unrequited. Even worse, he rejected the underlying premise of this “experiment": that by sharing your personal life in intimate detail—and staring creepily into each other’s eyes—“A practical methodology is presented for creating closeness in an experimental context.”

Instead, he was laconic, resistant to emotional answers, and ready to skip any question he found stupid:

***

Set 1

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

David Bowie—he just seems cool, I don’t like celebrities

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

No.

Too much pressure.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Yes.

To be prepared—it sounds like something I would do.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

OMG, I legitimately hate these questions.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

Yesterday.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Body.

‘Cause even if you’re senile, you can still have sex, and that’s cool!

Imagine you’re really old and having sex and you’re like, “I don’t know where I am, I’m just fucking, you love me now.” [laughs]

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Uh—getting hit by a dune buggy! Hahahaha, hopefully.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

1. nice hair
2. we’re both lying down right now
3. we’re both white

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

That I’m on Fire Island right now.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Uhm . . . more cats!!!

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

That’s not long enough.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

To gain, maybe . . . just to be a really smooth talker, good at talking, at “networking.” It would be maybe cool if I was good at networking, and not procrastinating, and writing quickly.

I want to be a graphomaniac, one of those people who just writes and writes: I make a wish, and I wish for fish, my wonderful wish about writing were the wish I made to you.

Set 2

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

• Who killed JFK
  • Because that’s the truth they don’t want you to know
• The man is distracting you
• I wanna know the truth about events
  • I’ll learn about myself on my own
  • the future, I’ll learn it by living my life
• Things that are not my life, because I’ll never know what they are unless the ball tells me
• What the thing is who killed JFK
• Alien baby

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

Fucking a hot guy.

Why I haven’t I done that? Because they don’t like me...

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Speaking Russian

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

Punctuality [laughs maniacally]. I value loyalty.

17. What is your most treasured memory?

[singing] “Cherish the life . . . de dah de dah da”

I don’t cherish my memories. I’m not about the past.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

I don’t know.
My most terrible memory . . . I feel like this book is written for a normsy I don’t understand.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would. I would . . . you know, I guess not.

20. What does friendship mean to you?

[singing]
FRIENDSHIP MEANS SHARING
AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE . . .
FRIENDS IS THERE FOR YOU
EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT THEY’RE YOUR WIFE,

FRIENDS VERY SPECIAL,
THEY KEEP YOU SATISFIED,
THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE TO HELP YOU,
AND THEIR LOVE IS BONAFIDE

FRIENDS THERE TO CALL YOU
WHEN YOU ARE FEELING HARMED
FRIENDS ALWAYS CARE FOR YOU
IN OPEN LOVING ARMS

FRIENDS LOVE TO HELP YOU
THEY LIKE TO KEEP YOU SAFE
FRIENDS ALWAYS GONNA COME
AND KEEP YOU SAFE

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

They’re when I spend time with my cat.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

Diana: hilarious
Brian: cool
D: best shirts
B: good poet
D: sweetheart
B: cinematic, photogenic
D: intimidating
B: DAMN GIRL, la
B: FUNNY

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

Not really . . . ugh . . . happier? Probably, maybe, well, not super . . . I mean, it was fine.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Fine.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ...”

Wow. Um:

1. We . . . represent . . . the lollipop . . . . [general syllables]
2. And in the name of the lolals keeyyyy . . .
3. We wish to welcome you to luncheon land.

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...”

I wish I had someone with whom I could share . . . this brownie, this high, I wish I could share my high. I wish we could feel one body together, life, it’s us in one bod, we are one.

I wanna share this laughter [laughs].

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

[Laughs too hard to breathe/answer]

I don’t know, ohhhhhhh noooo, oh my god, oh my god, oh, oh . . .

[does not answer remaining questions]