Hey, Ma, Something’s under My Bed

I hear it at night

when I turn out the light.

It’s that creature who’s under my bed.

He won’t go away.

He’s determined to stay.

But I wish he would beat it, instead.

I told him to go,

but he shook his head no.

He was worse than an unwelcome guest.

I gave him a nudge,

but he still wouldn’t budge.

It was hard to get rid of the pest.

So I fired one hundred

round cannon balls plundered

from pirate ships sailing the seas.

But he caught them barehanded

and quickly grandstanded

by juggling them nice as you please.

The creature was slick.

He was clever and quick.

This called for a drastic maneuver.

So I lifted my spread

and charged under the bed

with the roar of my mother’s new Hoover.

But he snorted his nose

and sucked in the long hose,

the canister, cord, and the plug,

and vacuumed in dust

till I thought he would bust

then he blew it all over the rug.

Now this made me sore,

so I cried, “This is war!”

and sent in a contingent of fleas,

an army of ants

dressed in camouflage pants

followed closely by big killer bees.

But he welcomed them in

With a sly, crafty grin,

And he ate them with crackers and cheese.

I screamed, “That’s enough!”

It was time to get tough.

“You asked for it, Creature,” I said,

as I picked up and threw,

with an aim sure and true,

my gym sneaker under the bed.

With each whiff of the sneaker

the creature grew weaker.

He staggered out gasping for air.

He coughed and he sneezed

and collapsed with a wheeze

and accused me of not playing fair.

Then holding his nose

with his twelve hairy toes,

the creature curled into a ball,

and rolled ’cross the floor

smashing right through the door.

I was rid of him once and for all.

The very next night

when I turned out the light

and was ready to lay down my head,

I heard my kid brother

cry out to my mother,

“Hey, Ma, something’s under my bed.”

Copyright Credit: “Hey, Ma, Something’s under My Bed.” © 1998 by Joan Horton. Reprinted from Miles of Smiles (© 1998, 2004 by Meadowbrook Creations) with permission from Meadowbrook Press.

Source: Miles of Smiles (Meadowbrook Press, 1988)