carnivore

my last semester of graduate school

hundreds of ladybugs

invaded my chicago apartment

“invaded”

but i offered the invitation

if i close my eyes

their desperation to escape

thousands of feet on glass

that never breaks

becomes the soft percussion of rain

meeting obliterated stones

embedded in black asphalt

their wings

straining

against the tight

electrified autumn air

of midwest storms

a neon invitation

flickering and humming

in the night

they don’t need much:

the millimeters between a screen and window frame

i remember that my visitors are

carnivores

and wonder

if these symbols of good luck

in their abundance

will devour me

in my sleep

which of these intruders

will get the hands that held you?

the lips that kissed you?

this belly that shrinks from anxious starvation

over months

of wishing

you were as greedy for me

as i am for you?

i remember

being gifted

a ladybug kit

as a child

the sharp green smell

of their panic

and my father

a rancher

teaching me how

farmers release ladybugs

into their fields

tiny predators

hunting

consuming

protecting

what we grow

my mother

inviting them

to her roses

and oleanders

reminding me that they

defend

more than what

sustains us

now

hungry and alone

i invite them in

i sleep uneasily

beneath their swarm

use a pie tin

to catch and release them

into the yard

where the doctoral students

smoke

that week

i break

my own heart

and let you go

years later

i’ll fall in love

with a girl

who craves

abundance

and i’ll dream

for nights

that i’m submerged

in a bathtub of

rosemary and milk

in the dream

my eyes are closed

in pleasure

and i forget that

plenty

means nothing

to the

insatiable

i’ll wake to message a friend:

“maybe

we fertilize

our gardens

with lost loves

like broken eggshells”

but it takes a carnivore

to protect

what we grow

so i’ll leave

the window

facing my garden

cracked open

another invitation

knowing

they don’t need much

just a few millimeters

just an offering

of flesh

of blood